change your habits, change your ways

i think the one thing that we should try our best never to give up on is enthusiasm. to forever be enthusiastic of whatever ventures we find ourselves on is a blessing as there is always hope for the future and a driving force for us to continue pursuing whatever it is that we want to call our own.

in growing up i consciously find myself losing the willpower or choosing deliberately to be reluctant in whatever situation i find myself to be because of that assumption that we know the outcome and that we might very well be disappointed. the enthusiasm of young hopeful eyes of children are long gone and slowly we allow ourselves to be eaten up by the mundane.

another thing is ease. nothing comes easy in life and nothing that is ever worth anything will come by without will and hard work. call it the old soul in me but i believe things come too easy to us nowadays. everything is handed onto a silver platter and everything is so accessible that we lose touch of the value behind things and the thought that should be given towards the actions that we take. information is vast, materials are plenty and suddenly we face an abundance of everything and slowly we are sucked into a world of just plain too much.

I find myself this way often, spending hours in front of the computer doing nothing really, but feeling as if I have so much to do. I believe we have to choose between what is necessary for ourselves and what we have unconsciously allowed ourselves to believe is necessity.

all in all, we allow the ourselves to be dictated by what is around us instead of choosing for ourselves what we wish to accomplish and strive for in life. and that is where enthusiasm is lost, because there is no will and there is no passion.

although I am a few weeks late i have found that resolution which i wish to strive for this year, to remain enthusiastic and willful in everything i choose to do. and to slow down and take each day as it comes to become a better version of myself that i was the day before, because these simple things are what accounts for in the bigger picture and the simple everyday action is what drives you towards what you aim to achieve.

what do you want to strive for?

and its that time of the year again.

back home, awake at 5am, humid air around me and not a care in the world. these are my favourite moments in life, and these moments always happen when i'm at home. i don't want to go overboard or to over exaggerate the moment because it is nothing more than the feeling of absolute contentment. it is a beautiful balance that i always find only when i am with my family and with friends i have grown up with over time. there is something about leaving that makes it so much better once you return. it is the growth of people, the change in time and the bond which is built over it because you and everybody else has managed to grow out of that separation and the anxiety of reuniting is no longer there.

a few hours ago it was christmas, a moment in the year where everybody is suddenly thrown together into a universal, shared celebration. i am so happy that i get to spend it at home, with the people i love the most, and with only this thought in my head, 'to be a better person each day than the one you were before' .

onto more adventures..

It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I’ve gone and come back, I’ll find it at home.

- Rumi

my head is a fucked up place to be right now.

in between the thoughts of study, work and all that jazz there is just so much anticipation. regret. remorse. and just plain dissapointment in myself. why can't i have said things when they should have been said. why didn't i give a fuck about the things that mattered, just because i was too afraid to make myself vulnerable. why do i always let people push me around instead of having an opinion for myself and going through with it.

i'm a fucking dissapointment, that is what i am.

i dont understand this at all. everything makes sense when you don't care about a thing in the world. then sooner or later you realise that the more you stop caring , the more everything stops to makes sense and in the end there is nothing left but you and your useless, worthless thoughts.

i don't know how this happened, but i just know that i want to get out. i can't get out.. it's such a huge tangled mess. i wish i didn't feel so fucking scared all the time. and that if i really cared about something, i would have the persistence and guts and balls and just plain effort to see things through. i give up so easily. on myself, on everything around me.

im way too young to feel this way. to already be disapointed in myself is just plain scary.

i need to find a way out

it is almost therapeutic to me, to constantly sit and observe.

i see peoples acts, and i see people for who they sometimes pretend to be.

it is a clear as the sky on those cloudless days. i try and understand why the people who put on acts and live on these false pretenses are those whom the stories seem to follow. it is as if the people who really feel and care and are true and vulnerable cannot put themselves out there, or choose not to because they know the harsh reality of the world might just sweep them back further into the background. there is no fame or attribution when one calmly accepts the world as it is, as it comes full circle. there is only that clarity which comes with understanding things, that we all begin to confuse ourselves with our choices because there are too many. foolish and ignorant people always know what they want, it is as if everything is in black and white. sometimes i wish everything to me was merely black and white, and not all those shades of grey that is it way too much to comprehend. 

can it ever be a world without lies? probably not. everything is a room of smoke and mirrors. we all play this game and sometimes choose not to realise that we are. i suppose life wouldn't be if there were no stories we wanted to believe could come true, and that in thinking that goodness lies somewhere beyond those lies and tales is giving up hope in the kind of life that we all try to make with stories of hope and a beautiful life. perhaps reasoning is just acknowledgement of fatigue with the pretenses we all face each day, and it is a way of edging ourselves out of the game, and making excuses for not wanting to hope or pretend that everything can and will be okay. maybe sometimes things aren't 'okay'. maybe some of us walk around with a grey cloud over our heads because the world really isn't just a ball full of sunshine and radiant light, and that maybe, maybe we need some kind of acknowledgement that this is real, and that we aren't just 'depressed' or 'weird' and 'unexciting'. this is life too i think. sometimes its not okay.