montly evaluation on life and other things

life as a university student is incredibly difficult. it doesnt seem so on the cool exterior faces of kids rushing in and out of lecture auditoriums and cafes with books in their hands and coffee breath on their lips. but in reality it is. there is so much to learn, so much to know, so much to find out and so little time to do so. for me, i am in an inward blackhole right now, going deeper and deeper into a dark abyss of 'screwed' after missing a series of lectures and putting of work one week too many. i can't do this * i keep telling myself. i hate deadlines, i hate rules, i hate systems and imposed structure. it's all too confining. it all makes too much sense that it doesnt. then i tell myself i love it, it's the beauty, the joy of knowing and learning. then i go back to the beginning. it's all a giant conundrum of never reaching satisfaction. fuck it's hard. 

aside from that, you kind of have to keep yourself alive. food, clothes , money. social life. fuck social life if you want to be a uni student. i have had to decline so many offers to go out, to hang out.. even to eat out because time is a ticking bomb and there is no getting it back. i work much more than i can afford to pay in time, and get paid minimally in actual money. food.. food is a cycle of instant noodles, salads , coffee, tea and orange juice. its a wonder how my flesh and body have not turn themselves out and against me for this serious case of negligence. and shopping, oh shopping, the wonders of online shopping have revealed themselves in this desperate times. however, lack of cash and lack of personal restraint dont make a good combination in retrospect. oh fuck that. 

i dont believe i am going to make it out of this alive. or at least close to being the same sane person that i believe i was.. until this stage of life. everything is a blur of known and unknown. i honestly dont feel any smarter, i just feel incredibly lost and dumb. hard times. hard times. hard times. 

so there we go. here is where i am, stuck in a rut of continual mental torture for the sake of something abstract and yet extremely physical. i dont have words to explain it eloquently. i just feel exhausted.